One of the Akatsuki Meetings
by appolik
Summary: A powerful organization gather up to discuss a few urgent matters. Just a humorous little fic.


Cue in the intro of the "Akatsuki" theme, for all nine of them are gathered around a long, rectangular table, with a speaker-phone at the head.

Pain, who is sited at the head of the said table, begins his speech:

"I am glad that all of you came personally. We have an urgent matter to discuss."

The silence of others emphasizes their attention, with which they hear their leader say:

"We are running out of our nail-polish."

Now, the silence emphasizes the members' consideration for the said matter. After a short pause, Pain continues:

"To remind you, polish of that exact dark-navy shade has yet to appear anywhere, aside from that one Amegakure Drug Store. Later on, we'll have to pick someone to go and stock up on it."

"Wait," Hidan interrupts, "can't we, like, use something simil…"

"No," the leader is abrupt, "Because it is the exact shade of our sandals and pants – they all have to match. And I made my point about the significance of our appearance clear on many previous occasions. Which also brings me to another issue – anyone in need of extra pants or sandals? We have a stock of almost all of the sizes…"

"I could use an extra pair of pants, hn."

"Ah, sorry Deaidara, but there are no small sizes left. But, we still have 6½ sandals, do you need those?"

Deidara makes a face, clearly showing that he will not enjoy a night spent on shortening his extra pants, but nods in agreement.

"Good. Anyone else?"

Kisame raises hand:

"Yeah, I need a pair of sandals. And, more bandages for Samehada.»

Pain nods. Konan and Kakuzu make their respective notes for housekeeping and accounting the expenses. After a few more members' requests, Pain continues:

«Anyone needs their cloaks stitched? Hats repaired? No? Well, this concludes the uniform matter. Kakuzu, how do we stand with our budget?»

«The polish was an unexpected hit. I suppose, if a certain someone wouldn't spend it so much, we wouldn't have to…»

«Oh, come on» is all Sasori has to offer as a reply. Kakuzu continues:

«You know, you don't really have to paint nails on all of your puppets…»

«Yes, I do,» Sasori states with calm voice, «they are all from the same line of art-work, thus, all have to have one transcending feature. Since they are Akatsuki dolls, it only fits that such feature will be polished nails.»

«He does have a point, hn!»

«And you!» Kakuzu looks at Deidara with contempt, «the both of you are the most expensive pair in the organization, and that is considering Samehada's bandages and Itachi's expensive eye drops; although, those are fair investment, unlike your…»

«Don't even dare to insult my hair!» Deidara shouts, «do you have any idea, how long it takes to straighten them every morning? Only the best hair products should be applied, if I ever want them to shine with their beauty, hn!»

«Wow, are you sure you're not a woman?» Hidan cackles.

A vein pops on long-haired man's forehead.

«You sure you're not a dead meat?»

Two veins pop on Hidan's forehead.

«Who are you calling dead meat, you [bleeping] [bleepenine] [bleep]?»

Before their dispute could go any further, Pain stops them with a loud «Silence!»

Then, in his normal tone, he continues:

«You are not allowed to fight each other, it is a given rule. Now, Kakuzu, I give you permission to refuse giving money to Deidara, unless it is really necessary. Deidara, if you need it, you are to earn them on your own side-missions.»

An angry «hn!» was the reply, along with battering about femininity.

«Well, it wouldn't kill to have another woman in here.»

«Kisame, you have something you want to share?» the leader asks calmly.

Without hesitation, Kisame breaks out all that has been piling up inside lately:

«Well, yes, I do. You might not understand it, but… You know, I am near my 30ies, and I do not plan on staying single – unlike some of you, I actually want not just live some legacy behind, but also have someone to have a family with. It's good to know, that somwhere, there is home, full of close and loved ones, who wait for you. And, I guess you know that it's not easy to just go outside and fetch a soul-mate right away.»

The members of the Akatsuki looked with question to their leader. Pain asked:

«Is it really that bothering?»

«As I said – you wouldn't understand. I mean, Kakuzu and Hidan are walking undead, Deidara is too young, Zetsu… well, he is a plant, Sasori is a puppet, and Itachi is just not interested… in anything at all, for that matter…» this gains Kisame a quick glare from Itachi, after which the Uchiha slightly squints his eyes.

Kisame continues:

«And, well, you've got dibs on Konan. And she's way too emo anyway…»

«I'm not emo» Konan states calmly, but loud for everyone to hear, «I am a scorned by life, unclaimed, childless woman…» she then goes to whisper, «this is not the life I wanted…»

A small pause ensues. Then, Kakuzu informs:

«Well, even if we did consider a solution for such matter, it still would be impossible – there is no way our budget will pull off another female.»

This gains glare form Konan.

«Those are all necessary» she sizzles.

«[Bleep], what do you do with all the stuff, woman?» Hidan asks, «I mean, there are so many things that I'd like to have, but I have to be [bleeping] refused to, and you just get whatever [bleep] you say you need!»

«Shut it! I do need all that stuff. My appearance has much higher maintainence, than that of all of you. Some of you don't even care.»

A loud, angry «hn!» agrees with Konan's words.

«That is what I mean» says Kakuzu, shooting a glare at his partner for testing woman's temper, «You cannot do anything, but live with it; however, one more would be too much to live with, so to speak. So, Kisame, no. I am afraid that you'll have to try your luck outside of the organization.»

Kisame's face turns into a sad frown.

Not a moment later, a loud «Pizza delivery!» enters the room, on par with an orange-haired guy, dressed in a white T-shirt, blue jeans and a red jacket.

The Akatsuki members, however, enter a state of shock, asking a silent question, who ordered that lump of saturated fats.

Kakuzu says quietly:

«Ah, that would be for me…»

The whole gathering fills with noise of accusations, cursing and profanities, all coming to united opinion of Kakuzu being a hypocritical asshole…

.. to which Kakuzu calmly replies:

«I have five hearts to maintain. This is actually harder, than it sounds…»

At this time, pizza-delivery boy, also known in a universal sence as Phillip J Fry, comes to his client, gives him the pizza, takes the pay, and sadly discovers no tips.

«Aw, crud…» then, when he goes towards the exit, he notices something, that excites him to no end:

«Hey! A giant anchove!»

«Huh…?» is Kisame's reaction. Before anyone has time to do anything, there comes in another loud noise – an unidentifiable wobbling and squeaking – with a pinkish-orange, crab-like creature, clumsily rushing in, screaming «Anchoveeeeees!»

The whole room fills with utter confusion, complete misunderstanding, and Kisame trying to wave off what is known as Dr. Zoidberg. A moment passes, before Deidara shouts:

«Itachi, you weasel, what gives?»

Those, that are known as the Futurama characters, disappear immediately, returning everything back to normal. After releasing the genjutsu, Itachi calmly says:

«I apologize for interrupting, but I thought that the boredom in the air started condensing… either that, or the roof needs to be repaired.»

A vein pops on Deidara's forehead; Kakuzu whispers something about taking care of building maintanence on regular basis; Kisame growls «An anchove, really?»; Hidan spits out profanities, for startling him; Zetsu whimpers about how he planned to have that crab snack later; Sasori drops face into his palm; Konan gives an eyeroll, and Pain says:

«Well, Itachi, here is something I wanted to discuss with you specifically.» He reaches out and pushes the message button on the phone.

The electronic bitch states «You have one new message. New message number one. Tuesday. Five-thirty-six am.»

Then a loud, and familiar to the Uchiha, voice fills up the whole room:

«You shabby marten, I'll find you, and I'll [bleeping] kill you, you hear me? I'll avenge my clan, you [ble…]» Pain pushes the button again, silencing the message machine.

Everyone looks at the older Uchiha brother.

«The [bleep], and they say, I swear too much…» quietly states Hidan.

«Jeez, and they say I'm not disciplined…» Deidara puffs out, and gives an eyeroll.

Itachi lowers his head, whispering «This is not the life I wanted…»

«Now, then,» Pain continues on his point, «this phone is the general Akatsuki phone, which has been created specifically for receiving missions, NOT for threats…»

«Well, you should have expected that, since you gave the add in the newspaper,» Zetsu states, «indeed, it does increase the incoming requests, but also, there are many people, who might have grudge on us, don't you think they, too, read newspapers?»

Pain pauses for a moment, before saying:

«Yes, you're right. I suppose, we have to live with that as well»

A silence emphasizes the members consideration for the matter.

«Well,» says Sasori, «At least it's not spam» other members nod their heads, agreeing with him completely, finding a positive side to the situation.

Pain moves onto another topic:

«There is another, very important issue.»

«What could possibly be more important than running out of nail-polish?» Kakuzu rolls his eyes.

«We are running out of the Scrolls of Uttermost Importance» Pain states. Seeing some mild confusion on the faces of some of the members, he elaborates, «You know, the '4 inch' ones…»

Cue in the intro of «O, Fortuna», for it represents the state of devastation that the Akatsuki members fall in.

* * *

A/N: Well, here is my sad attempt at being funny. Somehow, I wrote it all in Present Tense; sorry, if it was inconvenient for you.

Please, please tell me, what do you think of it? Did you like it? Or maybe not (then why, what I did wrong - tell me everything, I want to know)? Review!

update: censored the profanities


End file.
